Mom Demands 20-Year-Old Son Become Caregiver for Fiancé’s Disabled Child—Explodes When He Says No
At 20 years old, OP lives independently while attending college and has maintained a respectful, though increasingly distant, relationship with his mother. Things changed dramatically 10 months ago when OP’s mom moved in her fiancé and his two young children—one of whom is medically complex, dealing with a seizure disorder, osteogenesis imperfecta (a brittle bone disease), and possibly gastrointestinal-related paralysis or spasm disorders.
Since then, OP’s childhood room was repurposed, and he’s chosen to stay with grandparents during visits—partly for space, and partly because he doesn’t want to be drawn into a caregiver role. His mom offered training classes to help him learn how to assist with the child’s needs, but he politely declined. Despite expressing love for his mother and openness to spending time together, OP drew a firm line: he does not want to take on any caregiving or emergency responsibilities for her fiancé’s child.
His stance has created tension. The fiancé, in particular, is upset and appears to resent OP’s distance—particularly the fact that staying with his grandparents gives OP an “out.” But OP sees the situation differently: this is his mom’s new family, her choice to step into a caregiver role, and he’s under no obligation to follow suit. So—AITA?
It’s absurd how some parents think they have older kids just so they can babysit the younger ones
The poster’s room was taken over by his mom’s fiancé’s kids when they moved into his house, so when he visited, he stayed with his grandparents
1. The Reality of Caring for a Medically Complex Child
Let’s start by acknowledging the sheer magnitude of responsibility involved in caring for a child with osteogenesis imperfecta (OI) and seizures—possibly coupled with gastrointestinal dysmotility or spastic disorders.
OI is a genetic condition that causes fragile bones, frequent fractures, and in some cases, chronic pain and deformity. Combine that with a seizure disorder, and you’re talking about a child who could require:
- Constant monitoring
- Emergency response knowledge
- Medication schedules
- Mobility assistance with special handling
This isn’t babysitting—it’s medical caregiving. And professional caregivers often go through weeks or months of training to handle such cases properly.
Expecting a 20-year-old college student to take on that role, even temporarily, without formal agreement or compensation, is a massive overreach.
2. Family Isn’t Automatic Consent
There’s a prevailing belief in some families that “we help each other, no questions asked.” But that mindset can often blur the lines between support and sacrifice—especially when applied to adult children who never consented to new family dynamics.
OP’s mother chose to take on her fiancé’s medically complex child. That was her decision, and it was likely made with care and love—but it doesn’t automatically obligate OP to join the effort.
As psychologist Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, puts it:
“Being part of a family doesn’t mean you’re required to give up autonomy to meet someone else’s needs—especially if they weren’t part of your original life path.”
3. Boundaries Are Not Rejection—They’re Protection
What OP did is a textbook case of boundary-setting. He acknowledged his mother’s needs, was respectful in his delivery, and provided alternative solutions (like hiring a professional). He never degraded the child, shirked responsibility he already held, or acted entitled.
His refusal to stay at his mom’s house is also smart: it prevents future manipulation or being “guilted into” care duties. Boundaries like these don’t signal a lack of love—they signify clarity and self-protection.
4. The Fiancé’s Response Is Rooted in Expectation, Not Equity
The real AH behavior here? It’s not OP’s. It’s the fiancé’s.
- He moved into OP’s mother’s house and repurposed the space without ensuring accommodations for her son.
- He’s pressuring a young adult to undergo medical training for a child that is neither biologically nor legally their responsibility.
- He’s guilt-tripping OP’s grandparents for providing a separate place to stay—something that should be seen as a relief, not an offense.
This isn’t about help—it’s about control.
5. Caregiving Burnout Is Real—and Preventing It Early Matters
Even part-time or informal caregivers often experience emotional and physical burnout, particularly when the caregiving is imposed or expected rather than volunteered.
A 2023 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) found that:
- 45% of young adult caregivers report feeling emotionally drained “most of the time”
- 38% said their education or career suffered due to unpaid family care expectations
OP is wise to recognize the warning signs early and resist being placed into a role he didn’t choose. If he were to say yes now, the scope would likely expand over time.
6. AITAH Verdict: Absolutely NTA
Here’s a recap of the core reasons OP is not the a-hole:
✅ He communicated clearly and respectfully
✅ He never committed to caregiver responsibilities
✅ He has valid reasons for staying elsewhere
✅ He acknowledged the family’s situation without dismissing it
✅ He protected his autonomy without hostility
His mom’s fiancé, on the other hand, is weaponizing family guilt and projecting his own stress onto OP.
Final Takeaways for Readers
| Insight | Application |
|---|---|
| Boundaries ≠ Selfishness | You can love your family and still say “No” to roles you didn’t sign up for |
| Medical caregiving isn’t casual | It requires training, consent, and often compensation |
| Stepfamilies don’t come with inherited duties | Adult children don’t automatically become caretakers for new family members |
| Living apart can be a healthy choice | Especially when staying over may lead to obligation or stress |
| Emotional manipulation ≠ a valid argument | Guilt is not a tool for recruiting help—it’s a sign of unhealthy dynamics |
Netizens called out his mom and her fiancé for making such an unfair demand of the poster, and applauded him for standing his ground
OP isn’t turning his back on family—he’s maintaining the boundary between supporting and sacrificing his life for someone else’s choice. His mom’s fiancé may not like it, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
Verdict: Not the A-hole.