Dad Enforces Rules, Estranged Daughter Calls Him a Deadbeat When He Stops Child Support at 18
OP (44M) had an unstable marriage to his ex, Mary (44F) before parting when their daughter Jess (18F) was a 12 year old. The final straw leading to the marriage breakdown, according to OP, was Mary reportedly having an emotional (or physical) affair. OP also suspects she has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which led to their unhealthy relationship together.
After the divorce, OP was having a lot of trouble setting boundaries with Jess, and Mary wouldn’t enforce any of the boundaries, so that just kind of blew up in his face. OP tried to punish Jess passively through phone calls, but when Jess was arrested with drugs at 14 he tried to really punish her and lost her completely when she said she wouldn’t come back to his house. Although OP was entitled to at least joint partial custody, Mary essentially walked away with Jess, and OP continued paying increased child support anyway.
As soon as Jess turned 18, she was done. Then, when OP cut so-called support, Mary started calling him neglecting parent! Jess also made a TikTok attacking OP as a “deadbeat dad” which could’ve possibly been instigated by Mary. Now OP asks if he was wrong to pull out the financial and the emotional support.
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Co-parenting after divorce is like group projects in school; one person does all the work while the other takes all the credit
The dad is labeled a deadbeat by his daughter and accused by his ex of abandoning her, as he stops paying child support once she turns 18
1. Legal Responsibility & Financial Obligations
In the majority of states in the US, once a child turns 18, child support obligations will automatically terminate absent a court order requiring ongoing support for college or exceptional circumstances (e.g., disability). Lexically, as OP has been able to fulfil his obligations up to Jess’ age of adulthood, he is in the right. But there are some parents who voluntarily give financial support such as education. If OP wants to keep the relationship, then cold stopping all help will probably make it harder for them to get back together.
2. Parental Alienation & Influence
Jess’s sudden rejection of OP, especially after a disciplinary action, raises the possibility of parental alienation. Research shows that when one parent undermines the other’s authority, children may develop loyalty conflicts and resentment. In extreme cases, a child may reject the stricter parent altogether.
- A study by Dr. Richard Warshak (2010) highlights how permissive parents can foster alienation by positioning themselves as the “fun” parent while portraying the other as the enemy.
- If Mary manipulated Jess into believing OP was “controlling” or “unloving” while she played the role of the supportive parent, it’s unsurprising that Jess distanced herself.
If OP still hopes for a relationship with Jess, acknowledging the role of manipulation—without blaming her—could be key.
3. The Ethical Question: Should OP Have Cut Jess Off?
Ethically, though, it isn’t just about legal liability, but about parental responsibility, too. Jess might be an adult in the eyes of the law, but kids are not really fully independent until they have some secure income, so 18 usually isn’t the end of dependent relationships. Given that the child came from a high-conflict background, a lot of parents will help pay for college, housing, and even basic expenses.
When it come to relationships with your parents, one should also understand, it should be a two-way street. If OP gives his support and then Jess refuses contact and publicly trashes him and ignores everything he did for her before spending her inheritance, OP really has no obligation to actually support her further.
- Possible Middle Ground: Instead of cutting her off entirely, OP could leave the door open for reconciliation. A simple message like, “I love you, and I’ll always be here if you want to talk” keeps the possibility of rebuilding the relationship.
- If OP values strict accountability, he could offer conditional support—e.g., contributing to college tuition if Jess takes responsibility for past actions and works on repairing their bond.
Netizens side with the man, saying he is not a jerk for stopping child support payments once his daughter turns 18
Not the asshole — he has financial support until his legal obligations are over. But burning the bridge and cutting off emotional attachments—even without so much as an olive branch—may cause Jess to stray even further if Mary influenced her a lot. If OP still wants to have a relationship with his daughter, a little effort toward reconciliation might be in order — without sacrificing his boundaries.