I Reported My Parents for Abandoning My Disabled Brother—Now Everyone Thinks I’m the Villain

In your story, you’ve been dealing with a really heavy situation: caring for your brother, Terry, who is non‑verbal and has the intellectual/mental capacity of a very young child. Your parents have pushed you into a caregiver role since you were around 13—until you’re an adult—and you’ve made it clear you don’t accept that responsibility anymore. They continued to force drop‑offs of Terry at your place, ignoring your boundaries, cancelling your plans and disrupting your life. You finally warned them one more time: if they left Terry with you again, you’d call adult services and report the abandonment. They did it again. You followed through and reported the abandonment to adult protective services. They (and others) are now accusing you of being selfish and neglectful—though you acted because you were being unfairly burdened and your brother’s needs weren’t being properly met by your parents.

Your youth is meant to be a time of innocence, freedom, and fun

But one person has spent their teen years looking after their disabled brother, and has decided enough is enough

Let’s unpack the dynamics here, set aside blame and dig into the factors: caregiver burnout, parentification, vulnerable adult law, and neglect/abandonment. That way you can see you acted within both ethical and legal boundaries, and how this situation is really about systemic failure.

1. Parentification & caregiver burden

• When you were thirteen, your parents started expecting you to “handle Terry’s needs whenever they were busy or needed a break.” That places a child/teen in the role of caregiver, which is known as parentification. It often leads to resentment, exhaustion, emotional harm.
• You’ve told your parents you still hold resentment because you were forced into that role. That’s entirely fair—kids should not be primary caregivers for adult siblings in most cases, especially when the needs are substantial (meltdowns, destructive behaviour).
• You’ve expressed you are not going to be Terry’s caregiver anymore. That’s your boundary. Boundaries are healthy. You are allowed to have them.

2. Vulnerable adult / disabled adult & legal protections

• Your brother is an adult with a disability (non‑verbal, intellectual capacity of a young child). Many jurisdictions define such individuals as “dependent adults” or “vulnerable adults” who cannot fully protect their own interests or meet their needs without assistance. Wikipedia+2Wikipedia+2
• For example, in Ohio the law states: “Abandonment means desertion of an adult by a caretaker without having made provision for transfer of the adult’s care.” Ohio Laws
• The agency known as Adult Protective Services (APS) exists exactly for such cases: for adults with disabilities who are at risk of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or exploitation. USC Center for Elder Justice+2California Department of Social Services+2
• One of the “types of abuse” recognized by APS is abandonment—“desertion or willful forsaking by anyone having responsibility for care.” California Department of Social Services+1
• So legally, when your parents dropped Terry at your place unannounced and strapped you with his care—despite you saying “no”—they arguably were failing their caregiver responsibilities. You reporting that situation to APS aligns with those definitions.

3. Exploring the ethics: you, your parents, and Terry

• Your parents’ role: They are Terry’s primary caregivers, presumably the ones responsible for making sure his needs are met, or arranging appropriate support. If they repeatedly dump Terry with you (knowing you don’t agree) they are outsourcing responsibility without your consent and without proper planning. That creates risk – for your life (you are afraid when Terry has meltdowns), for his safety, for his care, for your employment and freedom.
• Your role: You made clear: you will not continue as his carer. You set a clear boundary. That boundary was ignored. You gave them a final chance—“one more time and I’ll report.” They took it. Then you reported.
• Terry’s welfare: By calling APS you sought professional intervention, which could lead to a more stable arrangement or proper service plan for him. You are not abandoning him—you are demanding the proper responsible parties step up. That’s the responsible path.
• Your neighbours / friends / parents‑friends backlash: They see your parents’ sacrifice narrative and assume you’re being “mean to the poor kid”. But the real issue is system failure: You weren’t the caregiver; your parents made you into one. You asking for help / professional backup is valid, not selfish.

4. Why your action was justified

• Because your parents ignored your boundary after repeated requests. That is not fair.
• Because the situation created risk—not just for you, but for Terry. He’s a disabled adult whose needs are complex; dropping him off unexpectedly is not a suitable arrangement.
• Because APS exists for exactly this kind of situation: a vulnerable adult with a caregiver who may be neglecting or abandoning their duty.
• Because you are not refusing care out of malice—you are refusing a burden that wasn’t yours to accept indefinitely, and you’re pushing for a proper solution rather than perpetual patching.

5. Potential counter‑arguments and how you can respond to them

• “But you’re his sister—family should step up.”: True, family should help. But “help” doesn’t mean full‑time caregiving under duress, especially if you didn’t sign up for it, if you have your own life and job, and if you were coerced into it as a teenager. You can help in a way that works for you, but being the default caregiver isn’t the only option.
• “You didn’t offer to help.”: From your write‑up, you offered help previously but made clear you cannot be primary. You told your parents that you were not going to be his caregiver and they repeatedly ignored that.
• “Now he might end up in a group‑home you don’t like.”: That’s possible, but that outcome is on your parents for not arranging care. The worst scenario would have been you burning out, things going really wrong for you and for Terry because of lack of supports. The goal is for Terry to have consistent, safe, appropriate care. If that ends up being a group home, that might be better than being shuffled between unwilling hosts.
• “You ruined the family.”: The family dynamic was already damaged by your parentification and your resentment. You withdrawing from that role is maybe the healthiest thing for you. You can still love your brother; you’re just refusing the caregiver mantle no longer fits.

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🚩 Why the critics’ words aren’t truly deserved

Your parents’ friends or acquaintances telling you you’re “selfish” or “ungrateful” are reacting more to emotional narratives than your actual actions. But:

• The assertion that you “don’t give a shit about your brother” is unfair because your action shows you do care—you cared enough to report him safely rather than leave him in unsafe, ad‑hoc care.
• The narrative that your parents “sacrificed” for you is incomplete—they sacrificed but also shifted the burden onto you. You’re well within rights to say “thanks, but I need my own life.”
• You didn’t escalate until their behavior forced you to act. Repeated warnings, dropped responsibilities, your life impacted—then you acted. That’s not rash, that’s reasoned self‑protection plus concern for your brother.

Many people sided with the sibling, even those who work as caregivers