For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me

Expensive Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this 12 months, my spouse (the pricey) bought per week of non-public coaching on the native well being membership for me.


Though I’m nonetheless in nice form since taking part in soccer 24 yrs in the past, I made a decision it could be a good suggestion to go forward and provides it a attempt.


Known as the membership and made my reservation with a private coach named Vanessa, who recognized herself as a 26 12 months previous aerobics teacher and mannequin for athletic clothes and swimwear.


My spouse appeared happy with my enthusiasm to get began! The membership inspired me to maintain a diary to chart my progress.



Began my day at 6:00am.  Robust to get away from bed, however it was effectively value it once I arrived on the well being membership to search out Vanessa ready for me.  She was one thing of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a blinding white smile.  Woo Hoo!!!!!

Vanessa gave me a tour and confirmed me the machines.  She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so quick, however I attributed it to standing subsequent to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my intestine was already aching from holding it in the entire time she was round. I loved watching the skilful approach by which she carried out her aerobics class after my exercise at this time.

That is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!



I drank a complete pot of espresso, however I lastly made it out of the door.  Vanessa made me lie on my again and push a heavy iron bar into the air, after which she put weights on it!  My legs have been somewhat wobbly on the treadmill, however I made the total mile. Vanessa’s rewarding smile made all of it worthwhile.  I really feel GREAT!!  It’s a complete new life for me.



The one approach that I can brush my enamel is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and shifting my mouth backwards and forwards over it.  I imagine I’ve a hernia in each breasts.  Driving was OK so long as I didn’t attempt to steer or cease.  Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered different membership members.

Her voice is somewhat too perky for early within the morning and when she scolds, she will get this nasally whine that’s VERY annoying.  My chest hurts once I acquired on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anybody invent a machine to simulate an exercise rendered out of date by elevators?

Vanessa informed me it could assist me get in form and luxuriate in life.

She stated another sh#t too.



Vanessa was ready for me along with her vampire-like enamel uncovered as her skinny, merciless lips have been pulled again in a full snarl.  I couldn’t assist being a half an hour late; it took me that lengthy to tie my footwear.  Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not trying, I ran and hid within the males’s room.  She despatched Lars to search out me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.



I hate that b#tch Vanessa greater than any human being has ever hated some other human being within the historical past of the world.  Silly, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.  If there have been part of my physique I may transfer with out insufferable ache, I might beat her with it.  Vanessa wished me to work on my triceps – I don’t have any triceps!  And in the event you don’t need dents within the flooring, don’t hand me the Barbells or something that weighs greater than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a well being and diet instructor.  Why couldn’t it have been somebody softer, just like the drama coach or the choir director?



Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice questioning why I didn’t present up at this time.  Simply listening to her made me wish to smash the machine with my fist.  Nevertheless, I lacked the energy to even use the TV distant and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Buying Channel.



I’m having the Church van choose me up for companies at this time so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will even pray that subsequent 12 months, my spouse (the b#tch), will select a present for me that’s enjoyable — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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