He Chose His £10K Hobby Over Our Joint Savings—Am I Wrong to Feel Hurt?
This is one of those quiet relationship dilemmas that creeps up on you until suddenly—you’re sitting in the middle of it, wondering if you’re being unreasonable or just finally noticing a pattern. In this post, the original poster (OP), going by Loopylampshade, shares a heartfelt concern: her husband spends over £10,000 a year on a personal hobby, and while she doesn’t begrudge him the joy it brings, she’s starting to feel like their shared future takes a backseat.
They’re currently working on refurbishing a house, a project OP has led almost entirely on her own—organizing, managing, pushing it forward. Her husband admits he “despises” the work and wanted a new build instead, so he’s distanced himself emotionally and practically. Recently, he agreed to take over a £1K decoration job, but then said he wouldn’t contribute to their joint savings fund for two months as a trade-off—because that would mean giving up hobby spending, which he refuses to pause even briefly.
The problem? That joint savings account is their safety net and holiday fund. OP feels frustrated and hurt that her husband won’t sacrifice even two months of hobby money to prioritize something that benefits them both. On top of that, they split bills 50/50 even though he earns significantly more—leaving her with less disposable income while still investing all her time and energy into their shared home. So now she’s asking: is she being unreasonable for feeling like he’s prioritising his happiness over their future?
Having separate budgets in a family sometimes looks like a smart decision, but it also happens that it could be unfair for one of the spouses
The author of the post and her husband both have decent jobs and split the bills 50/50 – but the woman considers the situation quite unfair by any measure
Let’s break this down, not from a judgmental place—but from one of clarity. Because what’s going on here isn’t just about a hobby or some spices or a decorating bill. It’s about values, financial equity, and emotional partnership. And yeah—it’s totally okay to feel sad about it.
💸 High-cost hobbies in marriage: joy or burden?
Here’s the thing: hobbies are important. Everyone needs something that brings them peace or passion outside of work and chores. Whether it’s cycling, flying, photography, motorsport, or gaming—high-cost hobbies often serve as stress relief, social outlets, or even identity markers for people.
But when those hobbies start taking priority over shared financial goals like saving for emergencies, investing in property, or even just planning a holiday—that’s where the trouble begins.
Many couples run into this issue. According to a 2024 study by MoneyHelper UK, over 38% of couples report arguments around “unbalanced discretionary spending.” One partner feels the other spends too much on themselves without contributing equally to joint goals.
So no—you’re not alone here. And no, you’re not being selfish for asking for balance.
⚖️ Fairness isn’t always 50/50
One thing that stands out in your post is this: “we split mortgage and bills 50/50 even though he earns more.” That sounds fair on paper, right?
But here’s the reality: when one partner earns a lot more, a 50/50 split can actually create an unfair lifestyle. You both pay the same bills—but he ends up with loads of money left for fun and freedom, while you’re stretched thin just to keep up.
This is where proportional contribution models come in. That means contributing based on percentage of income, not a flat amount. For example, if he earns 70% of your total household income, he pays 70% of the bills. That way, you both end up with a similar amount of disposable income—and neither feels shortchanged.
This is super common advice from personal finance coaches, especially in long-term relationships where wealth-building (like buying or renovating a home) is the goal. It’s not about being “kept” or freeloading—it’s about equity, not just equality.
🏡 Emotional labor + financial imbalance = resentment
Let’s talk about emotional labor, because it’s all over your post. You said you’ve done 90% of the work on this house. That’s massive. And let’s be clear: home renovations aren’t just about physically painting walls. They’re about:
- Project managing contractors
- Sourcing materials
- Budgeting and scheduling
- Keeping things running when they fall apart
You’re carrying a full load of unpaid project work, while he distances himself because “you wanted this house.” But here’s the kicker: he still benefits from the increased property value. So even if he “didn’t want the fixer-upper,” he’s reaping the rewards without sharing the load.
When someone invests time, energy, and money into a shared project and their partner won’t even pause a luxury spend (not a necessity!) to contribute—it’s going to sting. That’s how resentment starts creeping in.
🧠 It’s not about control—it’s about priorities
You’ve been careful not to come off as controlling. You said you’re okay with the hobby. You didn’t ask him to give it up. You asked him to pause spending for two months to prioritize joint savings—and he said no.
That’s not “him choosing happiness.” That’s him saying his spending habits can’t flex at all—even temporarily—for shared goals. And that’s what hurts, right?
When someone won’t sacrifice a bit of their comfort for something that matters to both of you—it makes you question whether you’re really in this together.
🔧 What can help (besides venting)
If this issue keeps cycling without resolution, here are a few concrete steps to consider:
| Action | Why it works |
|---|---|
| Switch to proportional contributions | This levels out the playing field financially so you both have similar disposable income. |
| Set shared financial goals together | Sit down and map out what you both want—home upgrades, holidays, emergency savings. When it’s mutual, buy-in increases. |
| Establish a “hobby budget” cap | Agree on a yearly limit that still allows fun but protects shared savings. |
| Schedule monthly money meetings | Transparency helps reduce resentment. Seeing numbers in black and white makes conversations less emotional and more practical. |
| Consider counseling or financial coaching | If this pattern repeats, a third party can help navigate the values clash. |
People in the comments were very divided here, because the home reno could be considered the author’s hobby too, but they could also split the bills proportionally to their salaries
You’re not wrong to feel disappointed. You’re not being “unreasonable.” You’re asking for something that reflects partnership: a willingness to make short-term sacrifices for long-term goals.
It’s not about stopping his happiness. It’s about finding a rhythm where you don’t have to shrink yours to make space for his.
If this is a one-time thing, it might just need a good heart-to-heart. But if this keeps repeating? You deserve a partner who shows up with more than his money—he should bring empathy and shared effort, too.