Should you let the kids go trick‑or‑treating tonight?

You’ve found yourself in a tricky spot: your children returned from their dad’s place, and his girlfriend (who’s been around seven months) dropped them off saying they’re grounded and not allowed to go trick‑or‑treating tonight. The reason given is vague: “they weren’t listening yesterday… made a mess” but you’ve asked for specifics and got nothing meaningful. The children are upset — especially since one of them (your daughter) missed going last year due to being ill and this would’ve been her first time.

You feel like the punishment doesn’t quite match what happened (5‑yr‑old with attention difficulties, 3‑yr‑old who hyper‑focuses on lego) and you’re wondering if you’d be the “bad guy” if you ignore the grounding and take them out anyway. You also mention there’s no court order compelling you to uphold punishments set by the dad’s girlfriend, and you’ve got the kids 90% of the time. On the other hand, you don’t want to be undermining joint parenting or appear to be “going rogue.”

So the big question: WIBTA (Would I be the asshole) if I just took the kids trick‑or‑treating despite the grounding?

Some stepparents overstep their boundaries with kids and forget that they are not their real parents

The poster’s kids returned from her ex, and his girlfriend said that they were punishing the children by banning them from trick-or-treating

Let’s dig deeper into some key issues: child‑focused discipline, co‑parenting communication, and special occasion fairness (like Halloween). I’ll weave in some useful keywords too: “co‑parenting conflicts”, “child discipline consistency”, “holiday privilege punishment”, “shared parenting boundaries”.

Discipline & holiday privileges

Firstly: using a special event or privilege (like trick‑or‑treating) as a consequence can be effective. One blog on “Halloween Season Should Improve Your Child’s Behavior” argues that withholding trick‑or‑treating can serve as a strong motivator for behavioural change. mommaaddict.com

But — the same source cautions: this should not be the first line of discipline and it works better when the child understands why the privilege is being lost. The child you’re dealing with is 5 and 3 — very young. For those ages, “I wasn’t listening” or “made a mess” is vague, especially to a 3‑yr‑old. The punishment loses its meaning if the reasoning isn’t clear and age‑appropriate.

From a positive discipline perspective (which emphasizes teaching rather than simply punishing) the child should ideally understand the mis‑behaviour and the consequence, which then helps them learn. Wikipedia In your case, the lack of explanation undermines that teaching moment.

Consistency in shared parenting / co‑parenting conflicts

In families where parents share time and responsibility (or involve partners of parents), one of the biggest stressors is inconsistency between households. A blog on co‑parenting Halloween highlights this: when parents or their partners give mixed messages — one permits, the other forbids — the child ends up confused and the memory of the holiday becomes tied to conflict instead of fun. Collaboration Expert – Teresa Harlow+2weinbergerlawgroup.com+2

When your children move between homes (dad’s home → your home) they carry the rules and expectations with them. If the dad’s girlfriend sets a punishment without clear grounding or communication to you, then you’re stuck in the middle: do you enforce it to maintain “unity” or do you override it because it feels unfair/unexplained? The key issue: shared understanding and clear communication. Without that, it’s very hard to present a “united front”.

Special occasions & fairness

Holidays and events like Halloween are emotionally loaded for kids. One legal‑family blog emphasises: “Halloween should be about making magical memories for your kids, not conflict.” weinbergerlawgroup.com+1 When a child feels deprived of something important (especially your daughter who missed last year) the emotional impact is high. You’re balancing discipline/fairness with remembering the big‑picture of childhood experience.

Now here are some risks: if you override the punishment, a few consequences might follow:

• You may create tension with the dad’s partner and by extension with your ex, which might affect future cooperation.
• The kids might receive mixed messages: “At dad’s house I’m grounded → at mum’s I get what I want anyway” which can reduce respect for the rule.
• It might undermine the dad’s partner’s sense of authority (even if she didn’t give you a good explanation) and lead to further conflict.

On the flip side, if you enforce the grounding despite your reservations:

• The kids might feel unjustly treated, especially since the punishment seems loosely defined and this is a big event for them.
• The daughter may feel resentful or disappointed, which might affect her trust and emotional wellbeing.
• It may send a message that “If the punishment doesn’t make sense, we still must follow it” — less empowering for their sense of fairness and learning.

So: How to navigate this evening

Given all this, here’s how you might handle it — trying to balance fairness, discipline, and the kids’ emotional experience:

1. Talk to your ex / his girlfriend (even last‑minute) and ask for one clear explanation of what exactly the children did wrong, tailored to their age. If you don’t get it, point out this is how you teach them so they understand.
2. Consider a modification: Recognise there was mis‑behaviour (kids not listening, mess), but maybe the punishment is too heavy for the age and for the big event (first time for daughter). Suggest a compromise: go trick‑or‑treating but they lose a smaller privilege tomorrow (for example, dessert, screen time etc).
3. If you decide to go ahead and take them: Frame it to the kids: “You’re going tonight because we’re celebrating, but we’ll also talk in the morning about listening + tidying up.” This keeps discipline alive but doesn’t ruin the holiday moment.
4. Keep the communication open: After tonight, speak with your ex / gf about how discipline will be handled in the future. Maybe set a simple “if we send the children over grounded we must send you written/ verbal note explaining reason so everyone’s clear”.
5. Focus on the children’s experience: Make the costumed night joyful, take photos, talk about rules (stay together, etc). If it’s meaningful for them, you’re doing good. The trick‑or‑treating isn’t just candy; it’s memory‑making.

My view: Would you be the asshole?

In my opinion — no, you wouldn’t automatically be the asshole if you took them trick‑or‑treating, given the circumstances. You have good reason: children’s ages, unclear punishment rationale, first time for daughter, the holiday context. But that doesn’t mean there’s no downside. It’s a nuanced decision.

If you take them withoutz attempt to resolve the disciplinary communication, you risk creating future tensions. If you take them but also approach this as a learning moment and engage the other parent/co‑parent in dialogue, you’re doing your best for the kids.

If you decide to respect the grounding but also speak up and arrange a make‑up event so your daughter has her “first time” experience another day — that could also be a very fair path. The important thing is you’re acting intentionally and with the children’s best interest at heart, rather than just rebelling.

Netizens were aghast that someone would ground such young kids for acting like kids and didn’t shy away from calling the couple names

So here’s the bottom line: you’re walking a fine line between discipline & fairness, between co‑parenting unity & standing up for your children’s emotional needs. Taking them trick‑or‑treating could be the right call — especially because the rationale for the punishment is weak and this holiday is important to them. But it’s also an opportunity to clarify boundaries and communication with your ex / his partner so this sort of confusion doesn’t keep happening.