When a Locked Door Feels Like a Red Flag Do I Leave My Husband Over This?

I’m 29, expecting a baby, and I’ve been married 5 years to my husband (33). We have a destructive toddler, a home office he uses 3 days a week. Six months ago he put a lock on the outside of his office door, saying it was to protect his valuables from our toddler. The key rarely shows up. Recently I went into that room to get the bird’s perch. He got defensive, locked the door after I was in. When I later asked to go in to change guest sheets, he refused, told me I was controlling for asking. Eventually he admitted to hiding weed and video games in there, but still refused to open the locked door earlier, saying if he opens it it gives in to my “pushiness”. He gaslit me, said I was oversensitive, blamed pregnancy hormones. He changed the lock to a “you can lock only when inside” style now, but acts like nothing is wrong. I’m hurting, worried, and considering separation because I feel I can’t trust him, I have a toddler and baby on the way, and I don’t want to do this alone if I don’t need to.

Sometimes our lives look incredibly similar to famous folklore plots – but in fact, real life could be just way more chilling than any fiction

The author of the post and her husband have one toddler, and the woman is bearing another baby now

Let’s unpack this — using keywords like marital boundary violation, privacy in marriage, trust issues in relationships, emotional abuse red flags, deal‑breaker behaviour marriage — so you can see how your situation lines up.

1. Privacy vs Secrecy: Where’s the Line?

In any relationship, especially marriage, privacy is normal. Everyone has things they keep to themselves. But then there’s secrecy and exclusion. According to communication privacy management theory, partners negotiate boundaries of disclosure and concealment. Wikipedia+1 You and he share a home, share parenting, yet he’s locked a room that you’re barred from, with zero reasonable explanation except “my things”. That’s more than normal privacy—it’s exclusion.

It matters that you asked to access the room multiple times for shared home tasks (changing guest mattress sheets, retrieving bird perch) and were refused. That shows the boundary isn’t about his private hobby, it’s a unilateral barrier. Lack of transparency in a shared household, especially when kids and finances are involved, often signals a trust issue. That may not mean bad intent right away but could become control or deceit.

2. Control & Emotional Safety: Red Flags

Healthy relationships allow both partners to voice discomfort and have those concerns acknowledged. When a partner invalidates your feelings (“you must be overreacting”, “pregnancy hormones”), that’s a form of gaslighting. Then there’s the matter of denying you access to shared space and refusing to provide any meaningful justification. You were told “if I open it I give in to your pushiness”. That’s a statement about power—him retaining control over the space.

One article about boundary violations says: when someone continues to cross your boundaries after you’ve communicated them, you need consequences (“walking away” is one) or the relationship suffers. Terri Cole+1 The lock situation definitely feels less like “hey I work from home and value quiet” and more like “you’re not allowed here, you’re not entitled to know”.

3. Trust & Shared Life Realities

You two share home, a toddler, a baby on the way. Trust is foundational. Even if what he’s “hiding” is innocuous (weed, gaming) — the manner of hiding, the refusal of access, the defensiveness — all weaken trust. If he can hide a room in your shared home, what else might he hide? Financials? Other relationships? Behaviours harmful to the family? Your intuition is picking up on something.

Also, balance of power: You asked to participate in home tasks, he refused. He insisted on autonomy that overrides your role as partner. Partnership means both persons feel they belong, not excluded. When a door becomes “his sanctuary” and you are excluded, the foundation shifts.

4. Your Boundaries & Deal‑Breakers

You’ve identified your boundary: you’re not okay with refusing access to shared space, with being dismissed, with the defensiveness. That’s valid. According to boundary theory, you have every right to define your deal breakers. relativeevolutions.com+1 The question is: Has he crossed from “issue to resolve” into “deal‑breaker territory”?

Signs that a behaviour is a deal‑breaker include: repeated boundary crossing, refusal to engage in change, or behaviour that undermines your sense of safety/well‑being. If you asked, he denied access, then staged the room, changed the lock, and still dismisses your concerns, that suggests he’s not meeting the relational contract.

5. Decide: Separation or Repair?

You’re weighing leaving vs staying. Here are questions to help you decide:

• Has he acknowledged your concerns with genuine curiosity and willingness to change? Or did he dismiss and gaslight you?
• Can you envision trust rebuilding? Will he let you into the room, show you what’s inside, allow transparency?
• What support do you have? You have a toddler and a baby coming. Economically, emotionally, you must feel safe.
• Are you staying for the kids or because you believe things will improve and there’s real evidence of improvement?

If you believe he wants to work on this, you could propose therapy, open access, reset shared responsibilities, remove secret spaces. But if you see pattern: private lock, evasive behaviour, your feelings dismissed—that leans into “repair may not be realistic without major change”.

6. Practical Steps & Safety

If you’re leaning toward separation, pre‑plans matter — especially with kids and impending baby. Consider:

• Talk to a lawyer about custody, home arrangement, financials.
• Document your concerns (texts, incidents). While not solely for legal use, it helps your clarity.
• Emotional supports: therapy, friends, family.
• If staying for now: set a meeting with him, calmly express what you need: access, transparency, shared commitments. If he refuses, that’s telling.

7. What’s “Normal” for a Lock on a Door?

Yes—it can be normal for someone to lock a home office if they have sensitive work, valuables, or want quiet. But normal implies:

• Partner knows about the lock.
• Key or code shared, or at least access granted when needed.
• No secret behaviour.
• Transparency about what is in the room if partner asks.

In your case: he didn’t share, denied legitimate home tasks, refused to open, then changed the lock again. That pushes it out of “normal” into “problematic”.

8. Parental Unit + Baby Coming: Your Security Counts

With a toddler and new baby, you’re in a vulnerable stage. You need to feel safe, supported, respected. A partner who dismisses you, refuses access, undermines trust may not be the ally you need for this next chapter. Your well‑being and the children’s depend on a stable healthy environment. If you don’t feel safe now, things may degrade.

9. Emotional & Practical Cost of Staying

Staying despite lack of trust means:

• You may internalize resentment.
• Your emotional reserves drain.
• You might relax less at home.
• You may mirror the behaviour in parenting (stress, anxiety).
• Your kids might feel the tension even if unaware of the lock issue.

Leaving is hard. But staying when you feel unsafe is also hard—long term effects matter.

Most commenters sided with the author, claiming that her concerns are totally justified and the trust is destroyed here

You’ve been clear, you asked, you got shut down. You’ve identified your boundary. He’s not met you halfway. In my view: you are absolutely within your rights to consider separation. You’re not wrong to feel this is a breach. If you raise it and he refuses to engage meaningfully, then yes—it’s a reasonable deal‑breaker.

But a separation decision doesn’t have to be immediate. You could give one more chance: talk, get counselling, demand access or explain. If he still stonewalls you, then proceed with separation. Your sense of self, your safety, your upcoming baby—all deserve respect and partnership.