When You Realize You’ve Been Blaming the “Scapegoat” And How to Talk It Out

You’re a mother of four adult children. All of them are happy, accomplished young adults (DD1, 27; DD2, 25; DS1, 24; DS2, 22). And yet lately something’s been bothering you: you instinctively called out to DD2 for things you assumed were hers, even though she wasn’t present. You’ve asked yourself: why did I always assume it was DD2?

Then your children pointed out what you didn’t realise: as teenagers, when something went wrong (a door left open, a car window cracked, a rock thrown), you’d default to blaming DD2. She realised you weren’t listening, so she’d stop arguing—and the others admit they took advantage of it.

Now you feel awful. You and your husband are close to DD2; she visits and calls, she seems fine. But you want to apologise, you want to talk to her — you just don’t know how. You also wonder if you’re “being unreasonable” in feeling guilty, and want advice on how to approach this.

It’s always very difficult to be a family scapegoat, especially when you’re often not guilty in any misbehaviors—but this is life after all

The author of the post has 4 adult children and recently, 3 of them gathered at the parents’ home—except the youngest daughter, who lives abroad

Recognising the “scapegoat child” dynamic

What you’re describing closely mirrors what psychologists refer to as the “scapegoat child” role in dysfunctional family systems. A scapegoat is a family member—often a child—who becomes the target of blame, shame, or projection of the family’s problems, often unconsciously. Anchor Therapy, LLC+2Verywell Mind+2

Here are a few hallmarks of the scapegoat role:

• The individual is blamed for many things going wrong, even when they aren’t responsible. Verywell Mind+1
• The family uses the scapegoat as a “symbol” of its problems and avoids addressing underlying issues. Psychology Today+1
• The scapegoated child often ends up minimising or suppressing their voice, because they learned arguing would go nowhere. laurakconnell.com
• Effects can linger into adulthood: low self‑esteem, trust issues, or always feeling “lesser”. pacesconnection.com+1

In your case: you mention DD2 “didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen”, and that your other children “took advantage” of knowing she’d be blamed. This fits the dynamic. While you say the incidents were “low‑level”, the repeated pattern is meaningful, because even small patterns add up over time.

Why it might have happened

You ask: why did your instinct always land on DD2? A few possible reasons (not excuses, but explanations)

• Birth order/dynamics: You mention she was defiant/always on the move. Sometimes a parent’s perception (justified or not) sets a default target.
• Projection or comfort zone: Once a pattern sets in (“if something goes wrong it’s DD2”), the brain defaults to it because it’s faster than reassessing each time.
• Emotional fatigue / bias: When dealing with multiple children, the parent may unconsciously pick the child who challenges them most as the default “problem” to avoid constant fresh evaluation.
• Structural family roles: In family systems theory, the scapegoat might be the one who reminds the parent of something uncomfortable (a previous self, a feared outcome) and thus bears the blame. Verywell Mind+1

It’s important you already recognise the pattern and are willing to apologise. That shows growth and empathy.

Feeling awful — is it reasonable?

Yes. Feeling guilt or regret in this scenario is understandable and actually shows you care. At the same time, some self‑compassion is needed: it’s good you’re realising this now rather than later, and you are acting on it. Many parents never notice such patterns.

However, feeling stuck in guilt isn’t helpful either. The aim is to convert guilt into action: talk, repair, change. Holding onto shame doesn’t serve you or DD2.

How to talk with your daughter (DD2)

Here’s a simple structure and some tips for your conversation:

1. Set the time
   Choose a calm moment when you and DD2 can talk without interruption — maybe a video call if she lives abroad, or when she visits.
2. Open with your recognition
   Something like: “I’ve been reflecting on our family dynamics, and I’ve realised something that I want to bring to you.”
   Then:
   “I’ve come to recognise that I often assumed it was you who left things open, plates on table, etc. I see that this was unfair and hurtful.”
3. Own your part, avoid excuses
   Say: “I cannot explain exactly why I did it – perhaps habit, perhaps my own fatigue. But I know I was wrong to default to you.”
   Avoid: “If you remember…” or “But you…” Keep to your responsibility.
4. Express your regret / apology “I’m truly sorry for the times you were blamed when you weren’t responsible, and for how it made you feel.”
5. Invite her perspective “If you’re comfortable, I’d like to know how this affected you. I realise it may have been hurtful or confusing.”
   Give her the space to say something or to say nothing.
6. Affirm your relationship and intention “I want you to know that I see you, I value you, not just as the child who might be blamed. I’m committed to being more aware and fair going forward.”
   “If you’d like, I’d like us to talk about how we can move forward together.”
7. Be prepared for silence or limited response
   She might say “I’m fine”, or she might open up — or she might not. That’s okay. Your aim is offering and honesty, not forcing resolution.
8. Follow‑up
   Keep it real: after the apology, act consistently by checking your patterns. If you catch yourself default‑blaming someone, pause, correct yourself, maybe even say: “That was unfair, my mistake.” Over time, that repair builds trust.

Changing future patterns

Apologising is one step. Changing the pattern is another. Some things to keep in mind:

• Practice mindful responses: When something minor happens (door open, dirty plates), pause and ask: “Who might have left this? I don’t assume X — let’s ask.”
• Avoid defaulting to the same name or child. Say things like: “Who left this?” instead of “DD2?”
• Encourage ownership across all children: Make it safe for any child to say “I did it” without fear or expectation of blame.
• Recognise that old habits die slowly. Be gentle with yourself and with your children as you shift.
• If you sense deeper issues or hurt (in you or DD2), consider professional support (therapy) to work through lingering dynamics. Every time you engage in self‑reflection you reduce the chance of repeating the pattern.

Why this matters

Because even though DD2 appears “fine now” (visits, calls, etc.), the past pattern still matters: it might have influenced how she views herself in the family, influenced sibling relationships, affected trust or voice. Fixing it improves your relationship now and strengthens trust. It also influences the legacy for grandchildren, younger generations, and family culture.

And for you: it frees you from unconscious patterns. It helps you parent grown children from a place of full respect and fairness, rather than habit.

Legal/Precedent context (briefly)

While most of this is psychological rather than legal, there is some literature in family therapy on the “identified patient” concept: where one family member (child) is identified as the “problem” so the family doesn’t address bigger issues. Wikipedia+1 Recognising the identified patient or scapegoat role is part of systemic healing.

In therapy‑contexts, acknowledging the scapegoat role and shifting blame patterns is a recognised step for healthy family systems. Live Oak Psychology+1

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Many commenters agreed that the author was really wrong for her reactions, and urged her to talk to the daughter and apologize

You’re absolutely not “unreasonable” in feeling awful — your awareness and willingness to act show care, not irrationality. What you experienced is a common but painful family dynamic. What matters now is the conversation you’re ready to have, the apology you want to offer, and the pattern you want to change.