AITA for refusing to make fancy coffee for my daughter‑in‑law

I (let’s say “Mom” here) work nights and come home around 6:30 am. My husband is awake so I usually make him coffee/breakfast before I go to bed. My son and his wife, Emily, are staying at our house for about a month while their home is under repair. They’ve been here less than a week. I asked them if they’d like me to make coffee/breakfast before they head to work. They said no to breakfast but yes to coffee — so I made two extra cups.

Simple enough. I asked if they had preferences—cream, blend, etc. Emily texted later saying she left instructions for the coffee. Next morning I found a detailed list: specific beans (fresh ground), a different brew method, foamed milk, syrups, etc. We only have a drip coffee machine. I made the usual coffee. Emily got upset and said I shouldn’t have offered if I couldn’t make it to her liking. My son says I’m being “not hospitable.” I feel like I offered something, but it suddenly became a barista‑service. Should I just make the fancy coffee?

An MIL got into a fight with her daughter-in-law over coffee

The MIL offered to make her a cup, but received a Starbucks-level order

When you host someone, especially for an extended stay, there’s a dynamic of hospitality and guest expectations that comes into play. The bigger the stay and the more disrupting it is for the host’s normal routine, the more clarity and communication is needed to avoid resentment.

Host vs Guest roles & expectations

As a host, by inviting or allowing someone to stay for a month you are offering your home, your routines, your space. According to experts on guest‑etiquette, hosts should set boundaries and guests should be aware of the home’s rhythms. For example, one source says hosts should clarify how long the stay will last and what the routines are. Old Soul Etiquette+2Extra Space Storage+2 For guests, the guidance is to be considerate, offer help, follow the house rules, and avoid imposing heavy demands. Real Simple+1

In your case: you are the host. You offered coffee/breakfast as a kindness, but the expectation turned into “make me exactly like I get at a café.” That is a shift from host‑kindness to service‑demand.

When hospitality becomes burden

A key insight: small acts of hospitality (coffee, breakfast) can feel welcoming, but when they become detailed service requests (specific brew method, syrups, foamed milk, special beans) they shift the labour and expectation onto the host. The host ends up feeling more like a staffer than a family member.

From the guest etiquette side: the guest staying long‑term should assume more self‑sufficiency, especially when they are in someone else’s home. One etiquette source says guests should offer to help with meals or run their own coffee. UniversalClass.com+1

You asked if they wanted coffee/breakfast—they said yes to coffee. But the scope (type of coffee) was never clearly defined. Because you work nights and come home tired, you have limits. It’s entirely fair to say “I’ll make you a standard coffee but I’m not equipped to make barista‑style drinks.”

Communication mismatch

The core of the conflict is a mismatch in communication. You thought “coffee” meant “my usual drip coffee, maybe extra cups.” Emily thought “coffee” meant “custom special order.” She texted she had instructions. But you weren’t aware of the complexity or willing to commit. She felt mis‑led: you offered then didn’t deliver to her spec. You feel you offered and she raised the bar unilaterally.

In guest‑host etiquette advice: both sides benefit from clarifying what “help” or “service” includes. If the host says “I’ll make regular coffee for you every morning,” that’s fine. If the guest assumes “I’ll get whatever coffee I want” and it disrupts routines, problems happen.

Emotional labour, boundaries and fatigue

You are working nights, sleeping in mornings, yet getting up to do coffee for someone else before you rest. That adds to the burden. When you do it as part of your routine (making coffee for husband), fine. Extending it to guests is generous—but when it becomes detailed service, you are adding emotional labour.

Setting boundaries is healthy. You told her “I am not a barista” which is a boundary statement. It might feel blunt, but boundaries matter. It’s okay for you to say: “I can make standard drip coffee each morning at 6:30 when I arrive; if you want speciality drinks you’ll need to make them yourself.”

Hospitality + respect dynamic

Hospitality isn’t just about doing something; it’s about mutual respect. Guests showing respect for host’s rhythm helps. For example, if the host works nights and sleeps days, the guests might make their own coffee so the host doesn’t feel responsibility while sleeping. The etiquette source advises: having a “make‑yourself” breakfast bar in homes hosting overnight guests is a good way to reduce burden. Old Soul Etiquette+1

That could be a solution: set up coffee options they can serve themselves before you come home—or whenever they wake. That way the host’s schedule and labour isn’t stretched.

Grievance and repair

Your son says you’re “not hospitable.” That might come from the fact your DIL felt overlooked or that the offer felt conditional. It’s worth reflecting: did your wording of the offer perhaps imply a full service (“tell me how you like it”) when you intended a simple gesture? If yes, then it’s understandable she had elevated expectations. On the other hand, if she silently assumed details and then got upset, that’s also a mis‑step.

So there’s shared responsibility: you offering with ambiguity, and her assuming rather than discussing the scope.

What to do going forward

Here are some steps you could consider:

• Have a brief chat: “Thanks for staying, we want you comfortable. I’ll happily make regular drip‑coffee every morning when I get home, but if you want a specialty coffee with syrup/foamed milk, we don’t have the equipment/time. Would you like me to set up the beans/cream in advance so you can make it yourself or we buy you a small single‑serve machine if you’d like?”
• Encourage self‑service: Maybe lay out a “coffee station” with beans/cream/syrup so they can help themselves. This respects your need for rest and their desire for choice.
• Recalibrate expectations: Clarify that you want the stay to be comfortable for everyone—and part of that means you’ll rest after work. So morning help from you has to be limited.
• Apologise for any misunderstanding: Even if you feel within your rights, acknowledging “sorry if I gave you the impression I’d do full custom coffee each morning” helps smooth relations.
• Divide labour: Perhaps the DIL or your son can take certain mornings for coffee/breakfast prep, or both of you rotate.

“You’re hosts, not staff,” people in the comments sided with the MIL

I lean toward NTA (Not the A‑hole), because you offered something kind, made an effort, and faced an unrealistic service expectation beyond your normal routine. However, I also think there’s a bit of mis‑communication, and to maintain harmony you might choose to adjust the expectation/offer or set clear boundaries. This isn’t about blame so much as alignment and respect.