After Years of Dealing With Messy, Freeloading Adult Stepkids, Woman Considers Selling Her Home

I (41F) and my husband (62M) have been together 10 years, married 7. We bought a house 10 years ago. Three years ago, his oldest daughter (same age as me) moved in with us from another state for a fresh start. I agreed but said it’d be temporary. Six months later, his middle daughter (2 years younger than me) moved in with her two kids (14F and 17M) after being evicted — we weren’t discussed or consulted properly. Since then our house has become chaos: power shut off twice because the bill wasn’t paid, lawn always needing our maintenance, broken TVs, missing rugs, her pets (dog + 2 cats) indoors without asking, constant financial asks, and a 20‑year‑old grandson with no license/degree/job just gaming and smoking. My husband lost his parents and a brother recently, all his family’s out of state, so I suggested we move back to his home state (to his sister’s property) and live in our camper. We can sell the house by Jan 1, be debt‑free and invest in his retirement. They still haven’t found where to go, they’re angry. So: AITA for refusing to help them find somewhere else and moving on?

There are a lot of stories of evil stepmoms and offended stepkids – but this life process is actually a two-way street

The author of the post has been married to her husband, way older than her, for 7 years, and they share a house

Let’s unpack a lot, using relevant keywords like adult children living rent‑free, setting housing boundaries in blended families, family caretaking burden, homeowner guest obligations, financial independence adult kids, etc. I’ll keep it conversational, real, a bit rough around edges as asked.

Adult kids moving in: When “temporary” gets ignored

In blended families or second marriages, it’s common for adult children (or grandchildren) to move in temporarily. Often it’s sold as “just until you get on your feet”. But research shows that when adult children stay long‑term, the original terms get lost. A relationship article on setting housing boundaries with visitors and family says you must define how long and what expectations when your home becomes a host zone. hvmag.com+2Kari Langkamp Coaching+2

In your case: You and your husband agreed to a limited stay (“temporary”). But the oldest daughter moved in, stayed, then you had to kick her out after she brought in her boyfriend and required a car from you. Then the middle daughter moved in with kids, pets, and demands. That shift from “helping” to “taking over” changed your home dynamic.

So the question: when adult children move in, are you obligated to continue offering free housing indefinitely? The consensus in boundary‑and‑family therapy is “no”. While compassion is good, the host’s wellbeing and home environment matter. Hiding that point leads to stress, resentment.

Financial & emotional burden shifting to you

You describe a heavy financial and emotional load: you paid for cars, utilities got cut off, the house upkeep fell on you and your husband every time you returned, the house is in disarray, and the grandchildren’s behaviour (20yr old gaming/smoking) is draining. That burden is real.

Research on “toxic family boundaries” notes that when one family member repeatedly demands resources (financial, space, emotional) and the host keeps giving, the host ends up depleted and resentful. Headspace+1 You have a right to your home, to peace, to financial stability. That your husband is nearing retirement also adds pressure: long‑term planning matters.

Your decision: Move into a camper & sell the house

So you proposed moving back, selling the house, living in your camper on his sister’s property, clearing debt, investing in retirement. On paper: strategic, proactive, life‑choice. You’re prioritizing your marriage, your future together. That is valid.

The step‑kids and grandkids still living with you don’t like this because they’ll have to find another place. They’re upset. Your husband is probably pressured between his kids and his spouse. But you’re saying: enough is enough. You don’t want to keep supporting their free ride while your life is impacted.

Are you morally obligated to help them find somewhere else?

This is the big moral touchpoint. They ask you: “won’t you help us find somewhere to go?” You ask: “Is that my responsibility?” Many would argue: you can help (kindness, if you’re able), but you’re not required to carry the burden, especially given how badly things have been managed.

Boundary literature emphasizes: “You are not your relative’s safety net if it’s harming you.” The Guest House+1 You can offer support, maybe time‑limited, maybe partial assistance—but you’re not obligated to make their housing your lifelong burden.

Likelihood of being the “bad guy”

From your description, you’re trying to set a boundary after long tolerance. You’re not kicking them out on day one; you’re restructuring your life. The step‑kids may feel betrayed or abandoned, especially middle daughter with kids who moved in under assumed terms. That emotional reaction is understandable—but doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Often these situations look like: “I helped when you were down, now I can’t anymore” and the helped party turns resentful. That doesn’t shift the host’s right to change the arrangement.

Communication, fairness, and next steps

While your decision seems justified, the way you communicate this matters. Clear, compassionate conversation helps. Example: “We’ve done our best to help you get on your feet. We now need to protect our marriage, our finances, our home life. We’ll sell the house by Jan 1. We’ll give you until __ date to find your own place. We’ll help you brainstorm options until then but we can’t continue unlimited support.” It’s both firm and caring.

Also fairness: The kids have been given cars, you’ve borne bills — that’s generous. So you’re not the “cold spouse”. You’re just recalibrating.

What the blended family dynamic teaches us

In step/blended families, expectations often collide. The older adult child expects continuing support; the spouse expects boundaries. Without early agreements, resentment builds. One therapist article on in‑laws/family boundaries notes:

Boundary setting isn’t disrespectful—it’s self‑care and clarity. momwell.com+1
Your spouse’s kids maybe never fully moved into self‑sufficient adulthood; you and your husband ended up parental roles. That’s emotionally heavy and often unsustainable.

Your future with marriage & retirement in view

You’re at a life stage where your home, your husband’s retirement, your peace matter. You cannot indefinitely subsidize others’ lives to your own detriment. Doing so may compromise your marriage, financial security, emotional wellbeing. You’re choosing to prioritize your couple life and future instead of the “everyone lives under one roof forever” model.

It’s ok for you to shift from “landlord + caregiver” to “husband + wife with shared goal”.

A caveat: The human side

While you’re justified, the step‑kids are human, they have assumed stability, they’ll have to uproot. If you can grant a transition period, help connect them to resources (jobs, rentals), that adds kindness without sacrificing your agenda. The difference between “we’ll help you find somewhere” vs “we’ll keep you indefinitely” is huge.

You don’t have to make them find a home forever, but offering help during transition keeps you from being seen as callous. That doesn’t mean you lose your boundary.

People in the comments supported the author and mostly agreed that this was a reasonable idea

You are *NTA (Not the Ahole).**
You’ve made repeated efforts, absorbed disproportionate burden, set clear “temporary” terms that weren’t respected, and now you’re redefining your life with your husband. That’s legitimate.
However: Being kind in transition helps you keep your moral high ground, keeps relationships intact, and might ease the emotional blow for them.

If I were to give you a gentle suggestion: Tell them your timeline, your conditions, what you will help with until move‑out. After that, your help ends. Keep firm. Protect your marriage. This is your home and your life too.