Is It Unfair to Want My Wife to Do More Childcare Tasks If She Wants a Bigger Family?

Parenting is exhausting, especially when you and your partner aren’t on the same page about family size. In this case, one dad is feeling completely burned out. He already has two kids and is struggling with parental stress, mental fatigue, and the nonstop pressure that comes with raising a family. His wife really wants more children, but he’s barely keeping up as it is. He works long hours, handles the financial responsibility, and still feels expected to show up at full capacity for childcare when he’s already running on empty. It’s left him questioning whether it’s unfair to ask for more support at home, especially since expanding the family is more her dream than his.

This situation brings up bigger conversations about emotional labor, division of household responsibilities, and relationship balance. Wanting more kids doesn’t just affect finances, it impacts mental health, workload, and long-term burnout. In this article, we’ll break down why this dad’s concerns are valid, how mismatched parenting goals can strain a marriage, and why honest communication matters when expectations aren’t equal. We’ll also talk about fairness in partnerships, shared responsibility, and what happens when one person’s vision for a bigger family doesn’t line up with the other’s capacity to handle more.

It can be tough to have discussions about childcare and family planning because such topics are often deeply personal 

The poster explained that his wife always wanted a big family with 3-4 children, and didn’t want more than one, but went along with her ideas as she found it fulfilling

As a dad who’s happily married to an amazing woman, I’ve landed in a tough spot I didn’t really see coming. I love my wife, truly, but we keep clashing over family planning and what our future is supposed to look like. We have two kids now. One is 4, the other just turned 1. From day one, she’s always wanted a big family. Like 3, 4, maybe more kids. Me? I was always more of a one-kid guy. Two already feels like a lot on my plate, and I’m honestly not sure I have the emotional energy or mental bandwidth for more.

I love my kids. I really do. They bring joy, laughter, all of that. But parenting isn’t my passion. For my wife, it’s her dream role. She finds meaning in it. I don’t. For me, it’s exhausting. I work full-time, usually from 8 AM to 6 PM, five days a week. Long days. High stress. By the time the weekend hits, I’m wiped and just want some downtime. But weekends turn into full-on family mode, which is nice, but it’s not rest. And when I’m left solo parenting for long stretches, the parental burnout hits hard. Fast.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom by choice. That was always her plan. Her personal expenses are covered through her own funds or family support, so money stress isn’t the issue here. But when it comes to household labor and childcare responsibilities, it feels like everything is split 50/50. Cooking, cleaning, kids, bedtime, all of it. I’m the financial provider for the household, and I don’t mind contributing at home, but sometimes it feels like I’m carrying two full-time jobs. One at work, one at home. And if I’m being honest, it’s frustrating to feel this level of pressure for a family size I never really wanted. I’m tired, mentally and physically, and I don’t know how much more I can stretch without breaking.

Here’s where the real conflict kicks in. My wife wants more kids, and I already feel maxed out. She says having a big family is her life purpose, and I respect that. I really do. But it’s hard to match that same energy for something I never fully wanted. From my side, it feels like if she wants to expand the family, she should also take on more of the daily parenting workload. Right now, it feels like she wants more children and a strict 50/50 split on childcare and household labor. That just doesn’t feel fair to me, especially when I didn’t sign up for this many kids in the first place.

And yeah, it puts me in a tough spot. I don’t want to be a bad dad or dump responsibilities on her. I love my kids and I enjoy time with them. I help when I can. I wake up with the baby sometimes. I handle chores. I show up. But when you’re already dealing with parental burnout, work stress, and mental fatigue, it’s hard to stay fully invested the same way someone is when parenting is their passion. That’s what got me thinking—am I wrong for asking her to take on more if she’s the one who truly wants a bigger family? If the dream is 3, 4, or more kids, shouldn’t the workload reflect that choice too?

Our conversations go in circles. From her perspective, parenting should always be shared equally, no matter what. And to be fair, she does a lot. But from where I’m standing, it feels like I’m being asked to carry the same emotional labor and physical workload for a life plan I didn’t choose. I’ve tried explaining how overwhelmed I feel, how close to burnout I am, but it always comes back to “we’ll figure it out together” and “we’ll make it work.” And honestly, that just doesn’t feel realistic anymore.

The truth is, I don’t mind helping. I don’t mind putting in effort. But something has to give. Maybe that looks like her handling more of the weekend childcare. Maybe it means a clearer structure so I can actually rest sometimes. Parenting isn’t just about money. It’s emotional labor, mental load, and physical exhaustion. And when you’re not fully bought into the idea of a bigger family, carrying all of that at the same level can wear you down fast.

I’m not trying to dodge responsibility or disappear as a parent. That’s not what this is. I’m just questioning whether the balance makes sense anymore. We’re supposed to be a team, and right now it doesn’t feel like we’re equally invested in the reality of what this life looks like. If we’re seriously talking about having more kids, that also means more stress, more childcare, more emotional labor, more burnout risk. And I don’t think it’s wrong to say that if this is her dream, she should be ready to carry more of that load. Not all of it. Just more than we’re doing now.

The bigger issue here is mismatched expectations in marriage and parenting. When partners don’t agree on family size, it’s not enough to just say “we’ll figure it out.” There needs to be honest communication about workload, mental health, time, and energy. If one person wants a bigger family and the other didn’t really sign up for that vision, it’s fair to talk about a different division of labor. That’s not selfish. That’s about respect, fairness, and avoiding long-term resentment.

At the end of the day, I want us to reach a real understanding. I’m in this. I’m not checking out. But the load has to be something we can both realistically handle without burning out. This isn’t about doing less. It’s about making sure we both feel supported, heard, and okay while raising kids. Parenthood is already hard enough. It shouldn’t feel like one of us is drowning just to keep the dream alive.

Most folks advised the man not to give in to his wife’s idea of having more kids, and if they did have more children, he should definitely help out more