WIBTA for Booking My Own Room on a Vacation with My Husband and His Mom?
True story: A young wife (27F) stuck in an awkward predicament when she discovers her husband (31M) invited his mother with them on their dream trip to Japan. The getaway was supposed to be for a romantic trip, returning to the nation in which they used to honeymoon. The husbands mother offered of course to pay for their hotel (out of the kindness of her heart), and the caveat few weeks all the way up to a string for her to stay with them for six days of their vacation and in their hotel room as well.
The wife, who is an introvert, expressed her discomfort from having to deal with her trip around the presence of her mother-in-law – particularly without checking in with her first. And, later, that her husband had merely opened the door to inviting someone, offering no protection for his wife, no advice about bedroom arrangements. Now she’s thinking about reserving a room for herself to at least get some relaxation time while allowing her husband and his mom to stay in their current room. But then she feels that this may sound ungrateful for the generous help of her MIL.
Some parents-in-law lack proper boundaries, and it creates unwanted family drama
A woman was delighted after her mother-in-law offered to pay for hotel accommodations for her vacation
Balancing Boundaries, Gratitude, and Relationships on Family Vacations
The Importance of Boundaries in Relationships
Establishing boundaries in marriage, particularly with family, is a way to steer clear of an imbalance of independence and family togetherness. For example, we learn that the absence of boundaries often creates resentment, miscommunication, and needless tension (Psychology Today). Therefore the husband invites his cousin/neighbour casually without his wife, which does not make sense particularly about a trip during/for a couple who got married to spend their lives together and take decisions mutually at least be in consideration.
Family Contributions and the “Strings Attached” Dilemma
While the mother in law offering to cover the cost of the hotel is a wonderful gesture, it can also change the power balance on the trip. There may be implicit obligations involved in receiving financial assistance, e.g., spending time together or accommodating the giver’s preferences. Now the vacation that was intended to be a time of rest has become a dilemma for the wife who may now feel she must sacrifice her chance to have an enjoyable holiday in order to look after her mother-in-law.
According to research published in Family Process Journal, appreciation for financial assistance is not a substitute for respecting independence and space, which is critical in preserving a marriage. These concerns need to be addressed openly and respectfully, otherwise there will be long term strain.
Cultural Context and the Room-Sharing Norm
This is further complicated, however, as the husband explains that sharing a room is “an Asian thing.” In many Southeast Asian families, multigenerational trips are the norm, and staying together has become a manifestation of proximity and family ties. Unfortunately, this isn’t going to match what the wife expected, as the trip was intended to be a couple’s retreat. There needs to be an open communication without making unilateral decisions based on personal comfort or culture.
The Case for Booking a Separate Room
Maybe booking a separate room is the best option, of course in order to avoid friction and give everyone the opportunity to find their space. It gives the wife a space to reflect and rejuvenate while expressing to her mother-in-law how grateful she is for the kindness shown. This decision also sets an example of how to draw personal boundaries without unnecessary drama.
But even if, financially, having to pay extra for a separate room is something to be avoided, such expense should be view as a way to protect their own mind and their marriage. Use Splitwise or have a very clear financial agreement to manage the logistics around all of this.
Most readers didn’t think there would be anything wrong with going solo, with others offering suggestions
OPs wife is not the a-hole for wanting to protect her comfort during the trip, for the sake of her mental well-being. If you ask me, booking her own room is a good compromise that accommodates her need for personal space while allowing her husband to spend time with his mother. If she plays it cool, she can create parameters, maintain family bonds, and still enjoy herself on the trip.