AIBU for being angry that my ex hid his cancer diagnosis from me?

A woman shared a difficult situation about her ex-partner, with whom she was in a long relationship for more than 25 years. Even though they separated about 2.5 years ago, they still stayed very close. They see each other almost every day, share parenting responsibilities for their two teenage children, and continue to support each other in many parts of daily life.

Recently, she found out something very serious. Her ex has stage 3 prostate cancer and has already started treatment, including several rounds of radiotherapy. She only discovered this by accident after going through his mail, not because he told her directly. When she confronted him, he confirmed it but said he did not think it was anyone else’s business.

She was shocked and hurt that he kept such important medical news private, especially since they still share parenting duties and have a strong co-parenting relationship. He also has not told most of his own family, only a work contact so he could manage his job schedule. This has left her feeling confused, upset, and unsure about how to respond to his decision.

The situation has created emotional stress and raised questions about communication, trust, and co-parenting support in blended family dynamics. She still cares about him deeply and wants to support him, especially because of their teenage children, but she also feels shut out. Many people in similar situations deal with challenges around medical privacy, family communication, and how much information should be shared when ex-partners are still closely involved in parenting.

After separating two and a half years ago, the author and her ex-husband have remained close while co-parenting their two teenage children

He has stage 3 prostate cancer, which is very serious. He did not tell you, his mother, his siblings, or even his children. Only one coworker knew because he needed help covering work shifts. You only found out after seeing his mail. Now you feel angry, confused, and hurt, and you are wondering if he was wrong to hide it or if you are wrong for expecting to know.

Legally, he has the right to medical privacy. Medical privacy laws like HIPAA in the US and GDPR in Europe protect a person’s health information. Doctors and hospitals cannot share details without permission. Even close family members, like a spouse or ex, cannot be told unless the patient agrees. So from a legal point of view, he can choose to keep his diagnosis private.

But just because it is legal does not mean it feels easy or fair. When someone you cared about for many years hides something this big, it can feel like emotional betrayal and broken trust, especially in co-parenting situations and long shared history.

Many people hide a cancer diagnosis for emotional reasons. Some go into denial and try to feel in control. Others fear pity or do not want to be treated differently. Some think they are protecting their family from stress and worry. In some cases, people who used to worry a lot about health suddenly become very private when a real illness happens, as a way to cope.

This is not always about pushing people away. Sometimes it is about fear, stress, and trying to stay mentally strong while dealing with a life-changing illness like prostate cancer.

When it comes to children, especially teenagers, things become more important. In co-parenting, both parents usually share responsibility for emotional wellbeing and family stability. Teenagers often sense when something is wrong even if they are not told directly.

Not telling children about a serious illness can sometimes create bigger problems later. They may feel shocked, betrayed, or confused if they find out in a stressful moment. Family counseling experts often suggest honest, age-appropriate communication so children can emotionally prepare and feel included.

Your anger is understandable. After 25 years of shared life and co-parenting, being left out of something so serious can feel like rejection. It can feel like you are no longer trusted, even if you are still involved in daily family life.

At the same time, some of that anger may also come from grief. You are not only reacting to the cancer diagnosis, but also to the change in your relationship and the loss of emotional connection you thought you still had.

There are many real-life situations where people hide serious illnesses. In some cases, a person with cancer hides their condition from their partner until treatment becomes obvious, and the partner feels hurt and angry about being left out of the journey. In other cases, adult children only find out when symptoms become visible, and they describe it as feeling shocked and betrayed.

On the other hand, some families say early secrecy gave them a short period of normal life before worry started. So there is no one right answer, and every family handles cancer diagnosis disclosure differently.

What matters now is how you move forward. Clear communication is important, especially around co-parenting responsibilities, medical updates, and the children’s emotional health. You can set boundaries that you expect to be informed about anything that affects your kids.

You can also offer practical emotional support, like helping with appointments or childcare, but without forcing yourself into his medical decisions. If he refuses help, you may need to step back and protect your own emotional health.

Talking to the children may become necessary if he continues to stay silent. A family therapist or counselor can help guide how to explain cancer in a calm and age-appropriate way, especially for teenagers.

It is also important for you to process your own feelings. Support groups, therapy, or caregiver stress counseling can help you deal with the shock, anger, and sadness in a healthy way.

He is not legally wrong for keeping his diagnosis private, even from close family. But emotionally, many people would feel that honesty would have been the better choice after such a long shared history and ongoing co-parenting relationship.

Your anger is a normal reaction to a painful situation involving cancer, trust, and family communication. The focus now is not only on who is right or wrong, but on how to support the children, manage co-parenting communication, and protect everyone’s emotional wellbeing during a serious illness.

Netizens criticized her for snooping through his mail and criticized her even more for being self-centered in this situation