When jokes become betrayal: how I decided to leave my husband

I met my husband six years ago. I was fit, confident, energetic. Then life hit — two miscarriages, the loss of my mother to cancer — and I spiralled. I gained forty pounds, stopped exercising, ate junk. My fiancé (now husband) married me last summer when I was deeply depressed. He was kind, attentive, supportive in those dark days. I started feeling better in the marriage, I lost 20 pounds, got my strength back, and I thought we were good.

Then I discovered something I can’t unsee or unhear: my husband was secretly mocking me to his ex‑wife. He sent pictures of me sleeping or in underwear, commenting on my “belly, double chin, back‑boobs” and they laughed about it. He called me “white whale”. They reminisced. They texted. It wasn’t flirtation like “let’s start a new affair” — but it was emotional intimacy with someone who is not me. I feel betrayed. I feel disgusted, hurt, and confused. How do I trust his “I love you’s” now? How do I believe the passion when behind my back he’s ranking me like I’m a joke?

So I’ve made a decision: I’m leaving. I’m looking for a job in another city, renting a place, consulting a lawyer. I’m putting myself first. And I refuse to fall into that dark weight‑gain hole again. I refuse to let his disrespect define me.

We often are our own harshest critics, picking on every flaw and mistake we’ve ever made

But this woman learned that it was her husband who ridiculed her the most, and in ways much worse than she could’ve ever imagined

1. What counts as emotional infidelity?

You might hear “he wasn’t cheating physically, so maybe it’s not that bad” — but research shows emotional affairs are very real and very damaging. According to Psychology Today, emotional infidelity happens when someone in a committed relationship builds a deep connection with someone else that surpasses that with their partner — often involving secrecy, deception, and emotional investment. Psychology Today+2Alignment with Claudiu Manea+2

In your case: your husband sharing intimate details about you (that you’d never consent to be shared), laughing with his ex about them, even sending images — that checks secrecy + emotional bond + demeaning commentary. It crosses boundaries. It’s more than friendship. Things meant between you and him only became material for him and someone else to bond over.

2. Why it hurts so much — betrayal, trust and psychological damage

When someone you trust turns out to be speaking of you with disdain behind your back, it triggers deep‑seated issues. The betrayed partner can experience shame, depression, anxiety, lowered self‐esteem. Studies show that infidelity (emotional or physical) can have lasting psychological effects. Psych Central+2marriage.com+2

For instance: discovery of infidelity can lead to post‑traumatic stress symptoms: nightmares, intrusive thoughts, constant questioning of self‑worth. BetterHelp+1 In your story you say: “I don’t know who this person in front of me is” — that sense of disorientation is textbook betrayal trauma.

When the person you expected to protect your vulnerability instead uses it to mock you, that’s double wound: the loss of trust + the loss of self‑respect. Also, emotional infidelity can steal away emotional intimacy between you two — because he’s mentally and emotionally investing elsewhere. Cleveland Clinic+1

3. Disrespect, objectification & the erosion of self‑worth

What your husband was doing — sending intimate pictures of you sleeping, commenting on “back‑boobs”, “double chin”, inventing a name “white whale” with his ex wife — that’s not just emotional affair, that also reads like objectification, cruel humour at your expense, a betrayal disguised as “fun”.

When mistreatment is disguised in humour and shared with someone else, it amplifies the betrayal — because humour often hides contempt. And contempt in relationships is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and relationship failure. The emotional labour you have done — supporting him, going through losses, recovering weight — is being undermined silently. You deserve acknowledgement, but you got mockery.

4. Decision fatigue: stay & rebuild or leave & heal?

You’re asking: “Am I making the right call to leave?” Let’s look at factors that research suggests matter when deciding.

Repairing is possible but hard — With emotional infidelity, there is a chance to move forward, but it requires both partners to genuinely commit to transparency, to therapy, to rebuilding trust. Psychology Today+1 In your story you don’t just have an affair‑type disclosure; you have systematic disrespect, behind your back, ongoing behaviours. That ups the damage.

Your emotional safety matters — If you feel unsafe, uncertain, can’t trust, or feel you don’t know the person anymore, that’s a heavy red flag. The fact you now question “what else is he capable of?” shows you’re already in threat/uncertainty zone. A partner should feel like your sanctuary, not a source of fear.

Your self‑worth cannot be negotiated away — You say you will not allow yourself to fall back into depression or weight gain; you’re reclaiming your identity. When your partner’s actions crush that identity (by mocking you, by spreading private images, by labeling you), you’re right to say “no more.” A good relationship supports your growth; here you were supported initially, but behaviour behind the scenes betrays the support.

Future patterns — The emotional affair + mocking + disrespect is a pattern. Without major change, it likely persists. If you stayed hoping for apology + change + therapy, you’d have to see evidence. You don’t mention him being aware, remorseful, or asking to stop. That lack of accountability and willingness to change is a serious barrier to repair.

5. Practical steps you’re taking and why they matter

You’ve already started doing things that place you in a healthier emotional position:

• Looking for a new job in another city: that gives you options and independence.
• Renting a place: so you’re not stuck under the same roof indefinitely.
• Birth control pills: you’re taking responsibility for your body and choices — you’re not staying because of fear or inertia.
• Consulting a lawyer: you’re preparing, not reacting only.

These steps build your self‑agency. They shift you from victim to actor. They’re important in moving beyond past hurt and building a future you control.

6. What you might do now

• Document things: Keep evidence (messages, pictures, his admissions) if you opt for divorce. It helps later in knowing what you’re dealing with.
• Therapy: For yourself primarily. You’ve been through trauma (losses, depression) before plus now this betrayal. A therapist can help you process the trust rift and rebuild identity.
• Set clear boundaries: If you stay under the same roof for financial or logistical reasons, set rules: no secret chats, transparency, boundaries with ex. If he refuses, you’ll know.
• Self‑care and identity building: You say you’re not going back to weight gain, good. Keep the focus on you — hobbies, body, mind. Let the next chapter be about your recovery and self‑respect.
• Decide on deal‑breakers: What would you need to see for you to stay? If he asked for forgiveness, admitted wrongdoing, went to counselling, accepted consequences — would you stay? If you don’t see that happening, leaving is valid.

People were shocked that the woman’s husband could have gone so low

You are absolutely not crazy for feeling hurt, for feeling angry, for deciding the relationship is over. What he did crosses the line of mistreatment, betrayal, emotional infidelity, and objectification. You deserve someone who honors you in your darkest and strongest moments, not someone who fires off private jokes about your body to someone else.

Leaving isn’t easy. But sometimes walking away is the strongest way to walk towards self‑worth, healing and an authentic future. You are reclaiming your story. You are choosing yourself. And that is brave.