Man Leaves His Five Kids and Their Mother to Prioritize Himself After Discovering Her Affairs

A man, who raised his ex-wife’s five kids for nearly nine years, is questioning if he made the right decision to cut off contact with them after discovering they had been hiding secrets from him. During his marriage and their post-split relationship, he treated the kids as his own, but he found out they had been keeping things from him, especially about their biological father and their mom’s relationships. The realization hit him hard, leading him to cut ties, but now he’s left wondering if he was justified or if he overreacted.

Sometimes kids lie and teaching them not to is part of the parenting process, but you shouldn’t use them to lie for your own nefarious goals

The poster asked if he’s a jerk for cutting off 5 kids with a 6th on the way which were not his own, but had been parented by him for over 9 years

Let me start by saying this isn’t an easy situation for me to talk about, but here I am, looking for some perspective on whether I made the right decision or if I was too harsh. I’m 41 years old, and I was married to my ex-wife, who’s 38, for about two years. But we had an on-and-off relationship for nearly nine years before we actually got married. During that time, I helped raise her five kids, who were ages 22, 19, 17, 11, and 9 when we split up. The thing is, I stepped in and was the father figure to these kids, especially since their biological dads weren’t involved. I treated them like my own, and we had a pretty good relationship.

Even after the divorce, my ex and I still spent time together and tried to figure things out. During that period, she’d date other men, and the kids would often be in the house with us. I worked out of state for a job, so I’d spend my time off with them, and I stayed in touch with her and the kids. But, as you can probably tell, there was a lot more going on behind the scenes than I knew.

The whole situation came crashing down when I found out, completely by accident, that the biological dad of three of my ex’s kids had just gotten out of jail and was spending time with my ex and the kids while I wasn’t there. I wasn’t supposed to find out about this, but eventually, it came out. Apparently, they had all been hiding this from me for a while, including covering for my ex’s behavior during our time together. I had always believed I was the one supporting them—paying bills, taking care of things at home, and being the father figure. But when I found out the truth, it hit me hard.

What I learned was that whenever I came home, the kids would hide whatever man my ex was seeing at the time, and they would tell the younger ones not to say anything to me. This wasn’t just one time either—this was a pattern. The whole time I thought I was involved in this family, I had been kept in the dark about so many things. I thought I was loved and appreciated for being there for them, but I felt like I was just an ATM. It made me feel used, and in that moment, I realized that no one in this family ever really cared about me. They just wanted what I could give them, financially and emotionally.

So, I decided that enough was enough. I cut off all contact with my ex-wife and her kids. I couldn’t keep putting my mental and emotional health at risk for people who clearly didn’t respect me or value what I did for them. I stopped paying bills, helping with anything, and I told myself that I needed to take care of myself before I let these people keep walking all over me. I felt betrayed and hurt by all of them. I had done so much for them, but when it came down to it, it seemed like they would rather protect their mom’s secrets than be honest with me. That’s when I knew I had to walk away.

Now, though, I’m starting to question if I did the right thing. People have told me that it’s just typical for men to be emotionally distant or that I’m overreacting. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like I was justified. I had invested so much time and effort into this family, and in return, I was lied to and kept in the dark about things that affected me directly. So, I’m torn—was I right to cut them off, or did I go too far?

I just feel like, after everything I did for them, I deserve more respect than that. Maybe it was a reaction to my hurt feelings and the realization that I had been treated like a fool for so long. Maybe it was the betrayal that I couldn’t get past. I’m not saying I expect a medal for raising them, but I thought I was an important part of their lives. Now, I’m left questioning if any of that was true, or if I was just a convenience for them.

It’s hard because, on the one hand, I was a father figure to these kids for almost a decade. I helped raise them, and I loved them. But on the other hand, I feel like they all played me. They could have come clean and told me the truth, but they chose to hide things from me. And the fact that they lied to my face for so long hurts. I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to protect myself and walking away, but I’m still struggling with the guilt of cutting them off.

It’s tough because I still care about them, even though I’m angry and hurt. I wonder if one day I’ll be able to reconcile with them or if this is a permanent decision. I’m just not sure if I’ve made the right call yet. So, I’m reaching out to see if anyone else has gone through something similar. Should I have cut off contact with all of them, or was there another way I should have handled it?

The comments praised the poster for his success on getting out of that horrible red flag of a situation