“WIBTA for doing a ’23 & Me’ test, knowing this might reveal my (secret) existence to my bio-mom’s side of the family?”

In this situation, the question of whether submitting to a 23 & Me test would make someone an asshole (WIBTA) revolves around complex family dynamics and ethical considerations. The person in question, a 32-year-old woman adopted at birth, has already reconnected with her biological mother but feels uncertain about the status of her existence being known to her bio-mom’s extended family. Despite initial contact a decade ago, her bio-mom did not confirm if she informed the family about her existence and has since ceased communication, which led the person to believe her bio-mom may not desire further contact.

Now considering a 23 & Me test primarily to discover her genetic background and possibly find information about her biological father, she faces a dilemma. By taking the test, she may inadvertently reveal her existence to her biological mother’s side of the family if any of them have also taken the test or do so in the future. This raises concerns about respecting her bio-mom’s desire for privacy and the potential emotional impact on her bio-siblings who may not know about her.

The person acknowledges feeling conflicted, recognizing that taking the test could be seen as a way to bypass her bio-mom’s wishes and learn about her family without direct consent. She contemplates whether she should inform her bio-mom beforehand but hesitates due to their previous lack of communication and fears it might come across as confrontational.

From an outsider’s perspective, the person is navigating a sensitive situation with empathy and consideration. She has respected her bio-mom’s boundaries for years but now seeks to explore her heritage and familial connections, which is a natural and understandable desire. The potential fallout of discovering her existence through a genetic test is a legitimate concern, yet it also poses an opportunity to fill gaps in her identity.

Ultimately, the decision to take the 23 & Me test should prioritize her own need for self-discovery while being mindful of potential consequences for her biological family. While there’s no straightforward answer to whether she would be the asshole for taking the test, careful reflection and possibly seeking advice from a trusted third party could help her make an informed decision that respects both her own journey and the complex dynamics of her biological family.

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